changes. . .

I have never been fond of change. I live through it but I wouldn't say that I embrace it. I am flexible - but I don't long for it like other do.

Today I am going to school for a meeting about our new contract. I can't believe that I am going to be teaching another year of high school - that makes 7 years. Yikes! We have a new superintednent, a new princial, and a new schedule. Talk about the potential to cause a bit of anxiety in myself and my colleagues. This change however, seems to be more confirmation that I am READY for a change. I want to be a physician. My prayer right now is that God would guide me down the best path and keep me motivated. I feel motivated from time to time - but I need that TOTALLY INSPIRED -GOD GIVEN - catapult me into outerspace kind of motivation. God - do You know what I mean?

I am working on chapter 5 of a gazillion chapters that I have to study for the MCAT. Embryology. I am glad to be there since it means that I finished Cellular Metabolism - which was a mental hurdle for me. I get it though - now - can I just remember it and apply it in a unique situation. God - Please be my memory - be my thinking - be my EVERYTHING. I am NOTHING without YOU. That is certainly the message that spoke to me while I was in Africa this last trip. I am nothing - just nothing - without Him.

On the worship front - I led worship a couple of weeks ago - and I was really excited about it. The band even seemed to have a skip in their step. The congregation, however, did not engage. I am having a hard time using my words to lead them to that place of worship. Why - do I not read enough, pray enough, converse with You God enough? I know you want more of me. Why this struggle - I get really pumped when the church body gets pumped - its a positive feedback cycle - God - what do you think? What are my next steps? Do you still want me to lead worship?

My friend I** dropped by this week to have my sister frame his artwork from Africa. I think he is a real gem of a man - but not exactly what I am looking for - but you never know. Anyway - I practiced talking with him and having a man as a friend. I hope that more opportunies come my way so that the dream of wife and mother and adoptive parent become a reality.

God - thanks for listening to me - I really do love you with my heart. I am sorry for the times that I am confused or lazy - please help me to keep becoming the girl - the woman that You want me to be. Love you. Tracy

several thoughts on several dreams

so the medical outreach team met yesterday (sunday) for a little reunion - just to see how everyone was doing. i have been really ambivalent about meeting with folks - mostly because i didn't feel a heart connection with anyone. i did have some good conversations with various folks - but i just didn't have a 'friend' while i was there. i felt very disconnected and that makes me feel a bit sad. it is perhaps something that God is growing me through - in fact i hope it is - because i don't want to have those feelings just for nothing. that would really stink. anyhow - in thinking about my dreams - i want to be a wife - and that dream seems so incredibly distant to me because i am thirty-three years old and no one ever has really loved me - of choice - or had interest in knowing me well enough to love me in that way. so God - what gives? i'm totally confused about who i am because of that fact - that i don't feel lovable - and it makes me want to prove myself over and over again - and that just seems to push people farther away. i really don't get it - and i can't seem to relax about it. . . enough said - that's just how i feel right now. i guess that puts a hamper on mother and adoptive parent. God - what are Your plans - what are Your promises? - what should i hold onto? what should i let go of?

i lead worship at genesis yesterday - i know that i am not the best - but i feel i am a strong singer - and that my passion for God and praising Him is evident in the way i lead. the entire band worked hard at really honoring God with the music we made. i pray that it honored You Lord. our congregation - however - was like a wet noodle - i had a really hard time engaging folks in the act of worship - standing before God in awe and reverence. i pray that i am not a stumbling block. i pray too that God would give me His words - that would compel His people to worship Him.

i am still studying for the mcat. right now i need to concentrate and pray about chapter 6 of the "get ready" book - TEST MENTALITY. It says i need to have test awareness, stamina, confidence [this is a huge prayer request for me], and the right attitude. god - i want to have faith that this is the plan for me from You - i want to know with confidence that i am being obedient. how do i do that? how do i know? what are the next steps? would you guide me God? would you take me by the hand and lead me? would you increase my perception of you?