changes. . .

I have never been fond of change. I live through it but I wouldn't say that I embrace it. I am flexible - but I don't long for it like other do.

Today I am going to school for a meeting about our new contract. I can't believe that I am going to be teaching another year of high school - that makes 7 years. Yikes! We have a new superintednent, a new princial, and a new schedule. Talk about the potential to cause a bit of anxiety in myself and my colleagues. This change however, seems to be more confirmation that I am READY for a change. I want to be a physician. My prayer right now is that God would guide me down the best path and keep me motivated. I feel motivated from time to time - but I need that TOTALLY INSPIRED -GOD GIVEN - catapult me into outerspace kind of motivation. God - do You know what I mean?

I am working on chapter 5 of a gazillion chapters that I have to study for the MCAT. Embryology. I am glad to be there since it means that I finished Cellular Metabolism - which was a mental hurdle for me. I get it though - now - can I just remember it and apply it in a unique situation. God - Please be my memory - be my thinking - be my EVERYTHING. I am NOTHING without YOU. That is certainly the message that spoke to me while I was in Africa this last trip. I am nothing - just nothing - without Him.

On the worship front - I led worship a couple of weeks ago - and I was really excited about it. The band even seemed to have a skip in their step. The congregation, however, did not engage. I am having a hard time using my words to lead them to that place of worship. Why - do I not read enough, pray enough, converse with You God enough? I know you want more of me. Why this struggle - I get really pumped when the church body gets pumped - its a positive feedback cycle - God - what do you think? What are my next steps? Do you still want me to lead worship?

My friend I** dropped by this week to have my sister frame his artwork from Africa. I think he is a real gem of a man - but not exactly what I am looking for - but you never know. Anyway - I practiced talking with him and having a man as a friend. I hope that more opportunies come my way so that the dream of wife and mother and adoptive parent become a reality.

God - thanks for listening to me - I really do love you with my heart. I am sorry for the times that I am confused or lazy - please help me to keep becoming the girl - the woman that You want me to be. Love you. Tracy

Be Joyful Always

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5 : 16-18

He who promised is FAITHFUL

Hebrews chapter 10: 15 - 22

The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says: "This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds." Then he adds: "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more." And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin. Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

i am lonely

i am feeling very alone today. alone. fat. and unloved. i want to believe that this is not the life that God has made for me. i want to believe there is more.

several thoughts on several dreams

so the medical outreach team met yesterday (sunday) for a little reunion - just to see how everyone was doing. i have been really ambivalent about meeting with folks - mostly because i didn't feel a heart connection with anyone. i did have some good conversations with various folks - but i just didn't have a 'friend' while i was there. i felt very disconnected and that makes me feel a bit sad. it is perhaps something that God is growing me through - in fact i hope it is - because i don't want to have those feelings just for nothing. that would really stink. anyhow - in thinking about my dreams - i want to be a wife - and that dream seems so incredibly distant to me because i am thirty-three years old and no one ever has really loved me - of choice - or had interest in knowing me well enough to love me in that way. so God - what gives? i'm totally confused about who i am because of that fact - that i don't feel lovable - and it makes me want to prove myself over and over again - and that just seems to push people farther away. i really don't get it - and i can't seem to relax about it. . . enough said - that's just how i feel right now. i guess that puts a hamper on mother and adoptive parent. God - what are Your plans - what are Your promises? - what should i hold onto? what should i let go of?

i lead worship at genesis yesterday - i know that i am not the best - but i feel i am a strong singer - and that my passion for God and praising Him is evident in the way i lead. the entire band worked hard at really honoring God with the music we made. i pray that it honored You Lord. our congregation - however - was like a wet noodle - i had a really hard time engaging folks in the act of worship - standing before God in awe and reverence. i pray that i am not a stumbling block. i pray too that God would give me His words - that would compel His people to worship Him.

i am still studying for the mcat. right now i need to concentrate and pray about chapter 6 of the "get ready" book - TEST MENTALITY. It says i need to have test awareness, stamina, confidence [this is a huge prayer request for me], and the right attitude. god - i want to have faith that this is the plan for me from You - i want to know with confidence that i am being obedient. how do i do that? how do i know? what are the next steps? would you guide me God? would you take me by the hand and lead me? would you increase my perception of you?

Diagnostic Test

Physical Science 53% (8 correct/7 incorrect)
Biological Science 54% (7 correct/6 incorrect)
Verbal Reasoning 83% (5 correct/1 incorrect)

Considering I haven't had these classes in 15 years - I did better than statistical chance. Thank you God. Diagnostically speaking - I need to study. I reviewed the answers that I answered incorrectly and 90% of the explanations were clear to me. I just need to resuscitate and repack the information back into my head. It is going to take time and dedication.

Lord - I am realizing the time and dedication that I am going to need to commit to this dream. Would you please help me to prioritize, make good decisions, and and sacrifice my time with You. I am asking for help Lord - You know what needs to happen - and I don't - would You please help me? Love, Tracy AMEN

by Your strength

by Your strength, God, i started to study today. just the preliminary stuff - but it was an official start. tomorrow i need to take the pre-test. i am trying to not let it worry me.