several thoughts on several dreams

so the medical outreach team met yesterday (sunday) for a little reunion - just to see how everyone was doing. i have been really ambivalent about meeting with folks - mostly because i didn't feel a heart connection with anyone. i did have some good conversations with various folks - but i just didn't have a 'friend' while i was there. i felt very disconnected and that makes me feel a bit sad. it is perhaps something that God is growing me through - in fact i hope it is - because i don't want to have those feelings just for nothing. that would really stink. anyhow - in thinking about my dreams - i want to be a wife - and that dream seems so incredibly distant to me because i am thirty-three years old and no one ever has really loved me - of choice - or had interest in knowing me well enough to love me in that way. so God - what gives? i'm totally confused about who i am because of that fact - that i don't feel lovable - and it makes me want to prove myself over and over again - and that just seems to push people farther away. i really don't get it - and i can't seem to relax about it. . . enough said - that's just how i feel right now. i guess that puts a hamper on mother and adoptive parent. God - what are Your plans - what are Your promises? - what should i hold onto? what should i let go of?

i lead worship at genesis yesterday - i know that i am not the best - but i feel i am a strong singer - and that my passion for God and praising Him is evident in the way i lead. the entire band worked hard at really honoring God with the music we made. i pray that it honored You Lord. our congregation - however - was like a wet noodle - i had a really hard time engaging folks in the act of worship - standing before God in awe and reverence. i pray that i am not a stumbling block. i pray too that God would give me His words - that would compel His people to worship Him.

i am still studying for the mcat. right now i need to concentrate and pray about chapter 6 of the "get ready" book - TEST MENTALITY. It says i need to have test awareness, stamina, confidence [this is a huge prayer request for me], and the right attitude. god - i want to have faith that this is the plan for me from You - i want to know with confidence that i am being obedient. how do i do that? how do i know? what are the next steps? would you guide me God? would you take me by the hand and lead me? would you increase my perception of you?